It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
