Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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