Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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