I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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