From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
