My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
