oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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