don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
