Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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