once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
