I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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