i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
