Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
