I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
