My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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