in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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