A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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