i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
