Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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