I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize