And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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