The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
