Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
