Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
