I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
