One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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