You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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