Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
