youre lurking in front of me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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