i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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