If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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