there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
