I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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