I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
