I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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