There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You're like the curious george of whores
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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