When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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