So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
