WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
