clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
