i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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