Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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