Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
