dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
