you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
