I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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