nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
