between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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