I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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