my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
