im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
