My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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