if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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